Most obituaries read like a résumé: born, schooled, employed, survived by. That's fine, but it's not why anyone loved them. A good obituary has the facts people need plus a few details that make someone reading it say, "Oh, that's exactly them."
You don't have to be a writer. You need about an hour, someone to talk it through with, and permission to keep it short.
Start with questions, not sentences
Sit down with one or two people who knew them well and talk through a few of these. Write down the exact words people use. The phrases that make everyone laugh or go quiet are the ones to keep.
- What did they always say?
- What did they do with a free Saturday?
- What were they stubborn about?
- What did they make, fix, grow or collect?
- Who did they show up for, and how?
- What would they have rolled their eyes at in a typical obituary?
- If you could tell a stranger one story about them, which would it be?
You won't use all of it. Pick two or three details that feel truest.
A simple shape
- The opening: their full name (and the name people actually called them), age, where they lived, and the date they died. "Died" is fine. You can say how, or not.
- Who they were: two or three short paragraphs. Work, family and history can go here, but lead with what made them them.
- Who they leave: the people closest to them. Chosen family and friends belong here too. You don't need to list every cousin.
- The gathering: date, time and place, or "a celebration of life will be held this spring." It's fine to post now and add details later online.
- What people can do: a charity, a request ("wear something loud"), or an invitation to share stories.
Fill-in template
[Full name], known to most as [nickname], died [date] in [place]. [He / She / They] [was / were] [age].
[One sentence that sounds like them: the thing everyone will recognize.]
[Two or three sentences about their life: where they came from, what they did, what they loved.]
[A specific story or habit.]
[Name] is survived by [the people closest to them], and by [friends, community, the dog].
[Gathering details, or when they'll be shared.] In place of flowers, [request or charity].
Two examples
These are about made-up people, to show the shape.
Ruth Ellen Marsh, "Ruthie" to anyone who'd been in her kitchen, died at home in Ypsilanti on March 3. She was 81. Ruth taught fourth grade for 34 years and never once let a child leave her room without a library card. She grew tomatoes she refused to share and zucchini she forced on everyone. She leaves her sons, Dan and Paul, four grandchildren who can all name every bird at the feeder, and her neighbor Lois, who walked with her every morning for twenty years. A celebration of life will be held at the Ypsilanti District Library in April. Bring a book to give away.
Jordan Okafor, 38, of Ann Arbor, died January 12 after a long fight with cancer that they handled with more jokes than anyone thought possible. Jordan ran the Thursday board game night at a friend's shop for nine years, kept a spreadsheet of everyone's birthday, and once drove to Toledo at midnight because a friend's car broke down. They are survived by their partner, Sam; their mother, Grace; and the Thursday table, who will keep a chair open. Friends will gather for one last game night in February; details to follow.
Practical things
- Leave out their full birth date, home address and mother's maiden name. Obituaries are a known source for identity theft, and an address plus a service time tells people when a house will be empty.
- Write a long version and a short one. The long one goes online for free; the short one goes in the paper, which charges by length.
- Have one other person read it for names, spellings and dates before it goes anywhere.
- No one is required to publish an obituary. Some families skip it, or share something on social media instead.
Where to publish around Ann Arbor
- The funeral home's website. Most post an obituary for the families they serve, usually as part of their fees, with an online guest book. Ask what's included.
- The Ann Arbor News / MLive. A paid notice, priced by length, with a photo usually costing extra. It also goes online. Ask the funeral home to place it, or get a quote directly, before you finalize the print version.
- Free places: social media, your congregation's or workplace's newsletter, an alumni magazine, or a club or community group they belonged to.
If you'd like help
Writing an obituary in the first week is a lot. I can sit down with your family for an hour, ask the questions and write it for you, usually within two days. You don't need to book anything else. See the obituary add-on or get in touch.